Derek Cares for Stiles
by CallMeBilesSourWolf
Summary: The nogitsune is out of Stiles but the damage is done. Stiles doesn't remember much and Derek is always there for him. But it is Stiles that shows Derek what really matters.


The days are few and far between where Stiles remembers who he really is. Long years have passed since he was freed of the nogitsune but its effects couldn't be erased. It triggered the dementia his mother had and it can't be stopped. The last true memory Stiles has was the piercing white hot pain of Derek's claws growing their way through his skull, displacing the bone slowly instead of breaking it. The screams growing hoarse and then silent as the hours ticked by testing Derek's patience to not just thrust his claws into Stiles' head.

Looking at Stiles now and seeing the pits of scar tissue lining his forehead and preventing hair growth at the back sends a gritting flash of guilt straight to Derek's heart. He saved Stiles but at what cost? Stiles lives on physically, but where is the Stiles that is rarely seen these days? Does he scream in pain and fear inside his mind or does he fall silent and dormant, rarely gaining enough energy to surface?

Derek cares for Stiles these days. The twenty-three year old barely understands how to feed himself on his bad days but Derek doesn't care. He takes care of Stiles because he feels no one else would if he didn't. But that isn't the whole truth. It's the lie he tells anyone who asks why he sacrifices his life for a brain dead kid in a man's body. Derek cares for Stiles because he needs to know he didn't fail, hasn't failed Stiles. He cares for him because on those few and far between days when Stiles is Stiles. Derek is rewarded with the kid who knew so much and wasn't afraid. Derek lives on and for those days, gladly roughing it out through months of the bad days just for a hope of a day with the real Stiles.

There are days when Derek wakes up long before dawn to get their routine set, to help Stiles crutch his way through the day only to find Stiles standing at the counter eating toast and making Derek eggs. Derek always gasps under his breath and his chin wobbles as he hugs the lucid Stiles.

"Sunny side up right?" Stiles mumbles into Derek's hair and Derek nods too vigorously.

Derek always cancels any plans and appointments on those days. Opting to let Stiles choose what to do. He normally picks a movie or game day, but every once and a while he likes to drive his jeep through the woods all day. Derek watches as relief flows off and out of Stiles' body during these days, like his body knows the real Stiles is in control and can relax.

Derek never asks Stiles what he remembers anymore, it's always, "You removed the nogitsune last month. Don't you remember?" and he points to his forehead. Derek stopped telling Stiles on his good days that it's been years because it only brings confusion and then fits of crying at lost time. Derek prefers to let Stiles enjoy his lucid days the way he wants to. Informing Stiles of the events that have occurred since would only break him further, possibly preventing from him ever having good days again.

Stiles sometimes asks where Scott, Isaac, Danny, Ethan, Aiden and Lydia are and Derek keeps up the lie that they're all out recruiting for the pack. Stiles normally buys it and snaps back to the present, enjoying the little things of the moment. But some days when Stiles is himself and Derek doesn't tell him that all except Danny died because they were fighting to save Stiles, Derek can see he doesn't believe him, but he also doesn't press for the truth.

Derek hates the sunset during Stiles' good days, knowing Stiles gets more and more tired the darker it gets. He sometimes turns on all the lights in his loft to help trick Stiles' biological clock into staying awake but it never works. Stiles starts to doze off leaning on Derek's shoulder always around nine and as Stiles' breathing becomes rhythmic a few droplets roll down Derek's face, knowing more likely than not the real Stiles won't be back for a few months.

This time just as Derek releases the flow of tears at knowing Stiles is asleep Stiles slams awake and bolts upright looking into Derek's watered eyes. "What happened to my dad?" A simple question but also one that catches Derek so off guard he chokes on his own tongue. He doesn't know if Stiles should know that his dad did the most heinous act imaginable because of Stiles' loss of sanity. Derek squeaks out an attempt again before clearing his throat under the heavy stare of Stiles' eyes.

"He's gone Stiles. He's gone because except for days like today and twenty-eight others you've had in the past six years he lost the son he knew. He couldn't handle loosing you to the same thing he lost your mother from." Derek sits stone still as Stiles' mind works through what he just heard. After a minute Stiles looks back at Derek and after a couple tries he says,

"Is that why I've been with you every day since? Everyday I can remember and everyday I can't?"

"Yes. I caught your father's scent of defeat and pain; it's so similar to yours. I couldn't stop him. But I promised him you'd be safe from harm, even if you never came back."

"Was he happy hearing that?"

"His last words were 'Love him well.'" Stiles felt the rock in his throat and felt how it grated along when he swallowed his tears. He fell into Derek's shoulder and let himself cry himself to sleep. Derek held him close and in his renewed grief fell asleep on the couch with Stiles.

Derek woke up the next morning stiff and contorted on the couch, hearing the bad day moans and sniffles from Stiles near the window. Derek rubbed the crusted tears from his face as he stood to work Stiles through another bad day only to find Stiles holding a single picture in his hands. Finding Stiles still and sitting on the floor normally and not flailed out and twitching on the floor from an internal horror shocked Derek.

"I wish he hadn't…. I'm still here." Stiles looked up at Derek and turned the picture around, showing Derek Stiles' 16th birthday. His dad had put a giant blue bow on his jeep and had woken Stiles up too early for a Sunday morning to show him. Scott's finger blocked a good portion of the left side of the picture but it still clearly showed Stiles' happiness, normalcy and love for his dad in the running start of a hug with arms wide open in the driveway.

"He didn't know that. He didn't believe you'd ever come back. In the three months after I got rid of the nogitsune and gave you those scars you never were lucid. He saw his only son wither away from him into a shell that could barely drink from a sippy cup without making a mess. You screamed so much those first few months. You ripped your vocal cords so many times we though you'd never talk again. If he had seen just one day of you like this he would have stayed, and he could have seen you like this had he waited just four more days. The day after I watched his headstone being placed you came back."

"That's the day you cried. I had never seen you cry before, not even for Boyd." Derek slowly nodded and sat beside Stiles at the windowsill.

"I saw what your dad didn't and it was all because you were too late, or he gave up too early. No one can really choose which one."

"But I remember yesterday. It was yesterday right?" Derek nodded and smiled wide, so wide his teeth showed.

"Yes Stiles you were you yesterday." Derek fell quiet picking at his own fingers.

"But you think I won't be me tomorrow."

"Not if the past is anything to go by. You've been you for one total month in the last six years. I can't be too hopeful even if everything in me wants to." Derek looked Stiles in the eye and he saw the blue glow from his own reflected in Stiles' eyes. He blinked away the pain his wolf was feeling and waited for Stiles to respond.

"I may not be here often, but you're always in here with me." Stiles pointed to his head and then slowly to his heart. Derek's mouth twitched into a small smile. Stiles took Derek's hand and matched his fingers to the scars on his own head. Derek watched with confused horror as Stiles closed his eyes.

"This is the last thing I remember with one hundred percent clarity. I was in so much pain but I knew during my screaming that you were saving me. You were hurting yourself more than me and committing yourself to making me, _Me_ again. I don't know where I go when I'm not here, but I know I fight. I fight my way back to you every time. I love you Derek. That's how I come back. Because of love."

"I love you too Stiles." Derek let his hand fall from Stiles' head, his eyes never leaving Stiles'.

"Then tell me on my bad days. Tell me when I scream. Tell me when I cry. When I make a mess. When I can't do anything. Tell me you love me and I'll know when to come back. I'll fight harder because I know there is love to come back to."


End file.
